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Every culture has some set of rituals associated with death. These rituals serve an important function, and are a way for societies to control the grief caused by death. Death rituals give the bereaved family and friends specific roles to play. The roles differ from one culture to another; however, in every culture the roles sort of give shape to the days and weeks following the death of a loved one. Death rituals prescribe what the family should wear, who should be called, what behavior should be shown, and so on.
Depending on the family’s religion, they may need to gather friends and family for a wake, arrange to sit shiva, or arrange a memorial service. There are different cultural expectations for how the bereaved persons should act. They may be expected to show little emotion, or they may be expected to scream and tear their hair.
The rituals at so have roles for friends, who often act as support givers. For example, friends may bring food to the home of the bereaved family, or drop in to offer help, or send flowers or sympathy cards. Whatever the social rules are, everyone has a role to fill.
Death rituals can strengthen family connections. Funerals bring family members together, just like weddings do. Rituals can also give meaning to the death by emphasizing the life of the person who died. A funeral or memorial service usually includes some sort of biography or personal memories of the person. Most people feel that it’s extremely important to review the deceased person’s life. Reviewing the life and accomplishments of the loved one—sharing stories and memories with family and friends—this makes the death easier for the survivors to accept.
But when the funeral or memorial service is over, what happens then? How do the survivors cope with the loss of a spouse, a parent, a child, a friend, or a lover? Once past the rituals, the grieving person moves through a complex grief process.
One theory states that there are four stages of grieving: numbness, yearning, despair, and reorganization. In the first stage, the bereaved person feels numbness—a lack of feeling. Or he or she feels shock, disbelief, confusion, a sense of unreality—normally lasting a few days after the death. In the second stage—yearning—the bereaved person yearns for and may actively search for the lost one. This is a time of anxiety and guilt, fear and anger. The third stage is when the person feels great despair, exhaustion, depression, or withdrawal. He or she may feel disorganized and unable to do normal activities. Finally, in the fourth stage—reorganization—the person takes control of his or her life again. This is a time of healing. The person feels energy again, takes up normal activities again, and finds new relationships.
The four stages of grieving—numbness, yearning, despair, and reorganization—are not the same for everyone, nor does everyone necessarily go through every stage. The stage theory is just one of many models that psychologists use to help people manage the loss of a loved one.